rustandglass:

“He finds out. He always finds out. I don’t know how, but…”

Zayde’s best guess was that his father used his power and influence to have someone follow and spy on him, then report back when he committed a transgression. Between that paranoia, and the warped religious programming his father had filled his head with, Zayde was trapped in a state that constantly fought between the logic of his own feelings and the brainwashing of the cult, and Cassar was determined to push his son over the edge into completely obedience and what he saw as the ‘right’ path.

“I can’t. No matter how much I want to… I just can’t, and I can’t explain it, okay?” he whimpered, starting to get tearful again. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Not if you’re only seen in public with Lissa and she brings you here,” he countered, fingers trailing down Zayde’s spine.

Leaning in a little, Devin’s lips grazed the back of the other male’s neck. Under the miasma of emotional scent signatures, the other had a rather enticing scent and the jaguar sort of wanted to rub his face along Zayde’s skin.

rustandglass:

Zayde looked wounded, some logical part of him knowing and agreeing, but Cassar had gotten so deep into his head that all it did was make him afraid of what would happen if he gave in and Cassar found out what he’d done.

“You don’t get it,” he whined, his breath shuddering with emotion again as he shrugged out of his hoodie and pulled his t-shirt off over his head, turning around to show Devin a scar on his back, between his shoulder blades.

“You see that? That’s what he did when I got a tattoo. What do you think he does if he thinks I’ve so much as even thought about being with a boy?”

His fingers grazed over the scarring before he leaned in and pressed a kiss in the center of the ruined tattoo. 

“Who the hell says he has to know what happens here?” 

Devin was practically nobody, so it wasn’t like it would be hard to sneak around and use Lissa as a cover. It wouldn’t be the first time his sister had pulled that one for him, mostly because she loved being at the center of drama. 

rustandglass:

The kiss caught Zayde way off guard, inadvertently causing him to shove Devin a little as he pulled back sharply, a look of shock and pain crossing his features in questioning.

“Why did you do that?” he demanded, confused all over again by Devin’s conflicting actions.

It wasn’t that the kiss itself was unpleasant, because it wasn’t. What was were the feelings it brought up in Zayde that he had trouble even beginning to confront and find resolution with, one of which was that he wanted to be kissed, and more, but he couldn’t block out the psychological conditioning his father had inflicted upon him.

He sat back at the shove, not really upset over it. After all, he had sort of just sprung it on him without even a hint as to what he was considering doing.

“Showing you that what you actually want isn’t wrong.”

There was honestly no other way he could think to do that. Words would only get so far and Devin knew that triggering physical responses tend to work better than getting someone worked up emotionally. He had already done the emotional part and all it did was give him the bad idea to kiss him.

rustandglass:

“And do what? Look, I don’t expect you to understand, or anyone else to for that matter. I don’t even know why I’m telling you any of this, ‘cause it’s none of your business anyway.”

It was easy to tell that the kid had long since given up any sort of hope of his father changing and Zayde being able to have some semblence of a normal life. It wasn’t just in his words or tone, but the way his body sagged under the weight of it. The way his blue eyes seemed dark and lacking any kind of light to them that would be present in most people.

Instead of answering, Devin leaned in and caught his lips softly. He didn’t want to hear any excuses or anymore self defeat coming from Zayde at the moment and this was the only way he could think of to really his get point across on trying to get him to see why hiding himself was such a damn mess.

rustandglass:

“You wanna know what’s really fucked up? All the partying and the drugs? He turns a blind eye to that shit so long as I’m only fucking girls…”

The last word died in his throat as his pain and self-loathing surfaced again, a blatant display of how much he hated himself for having to force himself to do that to please his father. Zayde had no interest in girls in terms of attraction, and he felt physically sick at the thought of what he had to do to fake it and pull off a convincing performance, including the physical aspect.

“Maybe you should stop fucking people you’re not attracted to and stop trying to literally destroy yourself just because some fucking douchebag has hang ups on shit he shouldn’t.”

He knew it wasn’t that easy, but it had to be better than what the other was putting himself through. Anything had to be better than the waves of self loathing and utter despair that was coming off of him waves.