May 5, 2018 – ofviolentdeath

rustandglass:

“I’m sorry…”

At least that was sincere, even if he wasn’t capable of anything else right now.

“I know I fucked up. And I know you’ll never forgive me, but that’s okay because I don’t even forgive me. I was stupid and selfish, and a fucking spineless piece of shit and you deserve better than that. You always did deserve better, ‘cause I sure as hell weren’t never good enough for you.”

The words had him pausing, some of the anger dissipating and leaving him feeling exhausted. It wasn’t enough to make him turn around, not yet, but it kept him basically rooted to the spot.

“I didn’t want better, I wanted you.”

rustandglass:

The conversation was far too heavy for the state he was in, the only emotion he seemed to be capable for the moment being a completely numb state of desolate acceptance.

“I’m trying.”

Maybe if he’d been more sober, he could have expressed how sorry he was, how much he knew he’d fucked up and made the biggest mistake of his life, but Zayde doubted anything he could say or do would make any difference to Devin.

“Trying to what? Kill yourself? Because that’s all I’m seeing.”

He knew he had no right to be this pissed, Zayde had ended things months ago and Devin had left afterwards. But he was and it didn’t matter that it had been more than six months.

“I can’t even look at you right now,” he snapped out before turning towards the door.

rustandglass:

“I don’t care anymore,” Zayde sniffed, his head feeling like a concrete block from the drugs and alcohol in his system. He was far too out of it to argue, and even if he wasn’t, Devin was right and there really wasn’t anything Zayde could say in his defence.

“I don’t fucking care… Lex was right to get as far away from our family as possible. Jus’ wish I had the guts to do the same. Too fuckin’ late now though…”

“So you’re, what, just going to kill yourself with this shit now?” The words were growled as he took a step closer, hands balled into tight fists to hide how badly they were shaking.

“You know, what go ahead and destroy yourself. I don’t give a fuck.”

rustandglass:

“Shit.”

That was the last voice he expected to hear, and it startled him enough to make him drop the second bump of powder he’d just scooped up into the sink.

“If I’m only hurtin’ myself, then yeah,” Zayde slurred, the look on his face dead behind the eyes as he staggered slightly, grabbing the edge of the countertop to steady himself. “Better off fucking myself up ‘cause then I only gotta worry about endin’ up in rehab instead of watching someone I love die.”

“Right, because this is less of a “scandal” to your dad? Because that’s the only opinion on your life that matters, right?”

He didn’t want to care but he did. He still loved Zayde and he hated himself a little for it. Maybe more than a little, but he wasn’t about to admit to anything beyond a little because it still hurt too goddamn much and seeing him like this just made it worse.

“Grow the fuck up, Zayde.”

rustandglass:

The last few months had been hell, Zayde letting his life spin out of control after destroying the one thing he’d only ever really cared about. He’d given up on caring as he continued to try to maintain the impossible persona forced upon him by obligation and expectation, but the mask was cracking under the strain and Zayde had slipped into a destructive spiral of self-pity and loathing, turning to whatever means he could get his hands on to temporarily dull the pain and terror to get by so that nobody would notice him falling apart underneath.

It didn’t take a genius to know what Zayde was doing and Devin was immediately torn. On one hand, he could just turn around and walk out, pretend he didn’t see a damn thing, but the words were out of his mouth before he could listen to good sense.

“Being with a guy isn’t allowed but doing hard drugs is perfectly okay? Are you fucking kidding me?”

rustandglass:

Zayde felt like the worst person in existence at that moment, still uncertain if Devin was telling the truth, but another thing had occurred to him immediately after, and that was that Zayde had underestimated just exactly how Devin felt about him, which had been one of the deciding factors in him making the call to end things.

It hadn’t mattered that Zayde had acknowledged to himself that he was in love with Devin. He’d been under the impression that they were keeping things somewhat casual, what with Devin being more or less a drifter anyway and Zayde not expecting him to stick around permanently, and if Zayde had known, he would have tried to find another way to handle things, but now it was too late.

Devin had nothing more to say as he shouldered his worn out bag and turned. He couldn’t stand to look at Zayde anymore right now and he damn sure wasn’t about to cry in front of him.

“Have good life or whatever,” he muttered before walking off and refusing to glance back.

@rustandglass

In all honesty, Devin had no intentions of ever returning to this particular area, but Lis had gotten sick. There were other places they could have gone, sure, but this was only city they had stayed in long enough to have connections, the only place he knew she would be safe until she was better.

Still, being here again opened old wounds and he stopped dead when he caught that damned scent. He couldn’t handle seeing Zayde again.