“Even my own mom never did much of that,” he muttered, half to himself but decided to elaborate on what he meant by that anyway on the off chance Lissa actually asked.
“She’d rather pay someone else to do all that shit.”
“Mine’s dead and Tal takes things a little too far in treating people like their her pups.”
Though a small part of her wondered if it wouldn’t be the half decent idea for him and Tal to be around each other because he clearly needed a stable parent type figure.
“You got a fucked up idea of fun,” Zayde commented sarcastically as he nudged the door wide open with his foot and got her back to her bed. For a moment, things almost felt like they used to between them, and that helped to cement the realization for Zayde that he had to step up his efforts in getting his shit together and fix things with Devin if he ever wanted to get back that feeling on a more permanent basis.
“Silver literally shuts down my entire system. Surgery sounds like a cake walk compared to that,” she pointed out, wanting to roll her eyes but knowing it would make her dizzier if she tried.
“Don’t mind the wolf when she shows up. She might try to mom over you because that’s…that’s just what Tal does.”
Zayde rolled his eyes and started manoeuvring her back to the other room, though he was secretly a little surprised that all her medical needs were apparently covered. He had no idea anything like that was possible without some sort of legitimate health insurance, but that just proved how sheltered he’d actually been his whole life.
“Trying to avoid it coming to that right now.”
“Next to silver poisoning, surgery sounds like a fucking blast.”
This was easier, more familiar, and the scent of absolute despair seemed to lessen enough for her stress levels, at least emotionally, to settle back to a more normal range. It wasn’t perfect, but, for the moment, it was better and she would take what she could get right now.
For the first time in a long while, a faint trace of a genuine smile found its way onto Zayde’s face as he accepted the insult and pulled Lissa close enough to slip an arm around her and take most of her weight.
“Deal. Now get your ass back to bed before you need more than a damn doctor.”
She tried to glare, but it was a little hard to look intimidating when he had to half carry her ass. Which, of course, only added to her already frustrated state, but Lis knew she had no hope of making it back to her “room” on her own.
“Okay,” he agreed, seeming a lot calmer than he’d been at any previous point since he got there. “You’re the boss. You call the shots and I’ll just shut the fuck up and do as I’m told, make life easier for everyone, yeah?”
He held out his hands again, not wanting to fight anymore on the issue. If he just had to put his head down and work through it until things got better, then that had to be better than sitting in self-pity and feeling like he’d be better off dead.
“You’re damn right I am because the two of you are hopeless fucking morons.”
She finally, if begrudgingly, took the offered hands, hating that she was literally trembling from the strain of being upright. She knew she was going to end up passing out just by the way her vision seemed to swim when she went to move at all.
“When the doc shows up, ask him if he’s got on shrinks in his family or I’ll claw your eyes out.”
Zayde gave her a nod of mildly begrudging acknowledgement that the message was received and he’d take it on board for future reference. In the meantime though, he was more concerned about getting her back to her room before she ended up collapsing or worse.
“Can’t make too many promises about my stink, but I’ll add it to my list of things to work on, okay?” he murmured, getting close enough to offer to take her weight and help her back to her room.
“Come on, before I get us both into trouble. One less thing for Dev to worry about, right?”
The cat glared at him, refusing to lean on him just yet. She wasn’t quite done with her lecture and she wasn’t budging until she was.
“No stressing him out today. Blood donor days are already bad enough for him without needing added strain. He’s going to need to rest after that and drink plenty of juice or what the fuck ever to feel better.”
The unsteadiness in her posture hadn’t escaped his attention, and he knew Devin would be pissed if he came back to find Lissa in a state because of him. Not just that, but Zayde did actually care about her too since they hadn’t actually been unfriendly before he fucked things up with Dev.
“You might know people, but I don’t. Not sure if you noticed, but I haven’t exactly had the time or luxury of being able to set things up like that. Fuck, I wouldn’t even know where to start.” he sighed, his tone softening a little, not wanting to exacerbate her condition by making her more pissed off.
“What do you want me to say, Liss? It’s not like I planned for any of this to happen, so could you at least cut me a little slack on not knowing how to survive like you and Dev do? I got a lot of shit to learn. I know.”
He moved closer to her, not bothered if she took a swing at him, since that was the least he deserved.
“You need rest. I’m not fighting you on any of this, okay? I know I need to get my shit together and I really am trying, not just for me, but for Dev too. I know I fucked up and I’ve got a long way to go before I can make it up to him, but I’m doing my best and I just hope it’s enough in the long run.”
“All you have to do is ask, moron. I’ve got moderate organ damage bordering on potential failure and even I’m smart enough to think of that.”
The words were less aggressive now, a small sense of relief slipping through her when he started to seem like he was actually listening to her. Devin had had to learn to survive once too, but she had been young enough when they lost their parents that this was the only life she really knew. It was what she excelled at.
“Yeah, well, quit stinking the place up with negative emotions and maybe I can,” she grumbled, trying to hide that her breathing was becoming a little more labored. She did not want to deal with Tal while she was like this, the wolf would fuss and lecture her and she so did not want to be coddled right now.
“Yeah, because that’ so fuckin’ easy to do now I don’t have a dime to my name.” he scoffed, though it was more of an acknowledgement of the fact that if he did still have the financial means, he would do that, not just a bitter retort.
“I’m working on it!”
It wasn’t something that could be fixed overnight, as much as he wished like hell that it could. There was nothing more that he’d like than to be able to just wave a magic wand and skip over all the pain and stress and go back to being how things used to be before he caused everything to go to shit.
“You really think Dev and I have the money for my medical shit? We know people here, people with connections to that sort of shit. I’d be dead if we didn’t.”
A low growl slipped past her lips and her grip on the frame tightened. She needed to get back in bed, but she wasn’t budging until things were sorted enough for her comfort.
“Why do you think I’m still here? It’s because as much as I really feel like I wanna fucking die right now, the last thing I wanna do is walk away from him for a second time, especially to do that. I am fully fucking aware that if I don’t at least try to find some way to fix this, then I’m not the only person I’d be taking down with me, so I am trying. Devin isn’t the only one who needs time, Liss. I just gave up my entire fucking life because I couldn’t make it through another god damn day living a lie and hating myself and everything I’ve done, and believe me, that’s a real fucking steep adjustment curve, so I’m sorry if the timing is shitty, but I’m doing everything I can right now to not end up jumping off a building because that’s a far fucking worse thing to put on him.”
Sure, everything was fucked right now, right across the board, but Zayde had gotten just a little of his fight back in the last couple of days now that the initial shock had worn off, and he still wasn’t in a good place mentally, but at least he recognized the fact and had found some logic to cling to while he tried to figure out how to stop himself sliding into the abyss.
“You know what might help? Seeing an actual fucking shrink.”
It was a little cold, but she didn’t really care. She was overdoing things today and her vision was getting a little hazy around the edges. Devin was so going to yell at her when he got home, she knew, but someone needed to try to sort out this mess before it got worse.
“Quit fucking apologizing to him and fix your goddamn self before I have to start breaking bones because he. Loves. You. Don’t make him regret that again or your death won’t be suicide, it’ll be homicide.”
“I didn’t ask for any of this, okay? I don’t even know why I came here.” Zayde muttered, knowing damn well that she was right and that he shouldn’t have stuck around because the longer he stayed, the more it implied he expected something, but it was really only that he was dangling by his last thread and he hadn’t quite yet found the courage to cut it and let go.
“And for the record, I am owning up to my shit. I know all of this is my fault, and I know I don’t deserve anything. Especially a second chance from your brother.”
“Yeah, because wallowing and reeking of hopelessness is totally how you fucking do that. You;re going to give my brother a goddamn mental breakdown and I literally cannot pull his ass back together right now and if he gets sick, I die, so get your fucking shit together, princess, because no one has time to be a goddamn babysitter right now. You were stupid enough to break shit off, now deal with the consequences like a fucking adult and realize that, while my brother still, for some unknown reason, still loves you, he needs time and for you to not be a damn disaster that he feels like he has to save.”
She wanted to take a step forward, to take a swing at him, but she knew if she let go of the door frame, she wasn’t going to be upright for long enough to get a good hit in.
ofviolentdeath 